The question of whether pets go to heaven seems these days
to be getting ever greater attention, almost as much as in long ago days the
number of angels that could dance on the head of a pin. Just now (January 17,
2115) the New York Times has dedicated a column by Mark Oppenheimer to it,
under the headline “From Seminary to Cemetery, Fascination Persists Over Pets
and the Afterlife.”
It is at least as troubling to pet owners as the matter of
who designed the Emperor’s new clothes is to the rest of us. My guess is Ralph
Lauren, specialist in lost causes, who once informed New York magazine that he
could produce several hundred signatures to a demand for my dismissal as drama
critic.
To be sure, since there is no heaven even for humans (who
admittedly are less deserving of one than, say, Lassie or Mehitabel, if there
were such a place), the question is a fairly academical one. There is not even
a word for going to it in English—as in the German Himmelfahrt—other than
“ascension,” which, to me, rather suggests elevators, and seems un worthy of a
pious quadruped. So why not grant afterlife to a deserving pooch or tabby in,
say, a comfy black hole, the kind that, according to Professor Stanley Brandes
of Berkeley is memorialized on actual tombstones with such epitaphs as “Until
We Meet in Heaven” or, for a boxer aptly named Champ, “We Pray That We Will
Meet Again.”
Since pet owners are given to conversing with their dogs and
cats, how easy it would be for them to say, “I’m reserving a spot for you in
Heaven,” to the great relief of either the speaker or hearer, the two- or
four-foot animal. This would guarantee
for Spot an endlessly chewable bone, and for Kitty, an inexhaustible
saucer of milk.
Quite rightly Oppenheimer observes that “our sense of
spiritual kinship is already latent in the bootees and little sweaters we buy
our pets”—the cats, bless them, will have none of such paraphernalia—so why
should tiny passports to Paradise give pause to booteed paws? I recall
Alexander Pope’s couplet for the collar of the Prince of Wales’s pet, ‘I am His
Highness’s dog at Kew,/ Pray tell me, Sir, whose dog are you?” If so literate,
why couldn’t loyal Fido share the Marine Corps’s motto, Semper Fidelis?
And now good news: the present inclusionist pope has said,
“Paradise is open to all God’s creatures.” If so, does that include mosquitoes,
cockroaches, tarantulas? Also bedbugs, with which our apartment has been
recently infected and took the devil of a time to be gotten rid of. The way
those pests performed their molestations; I am sure the male ones earned their
72 virgin females in bedbug heaven.
The Times article further informed us, “’Today there are
nearly 600 functioning pet cemeteries in the United States,’” as Amy Defibaugh,
a Temple University graduate student, read out from her paper at the recent
American Academy of Religion conference in San Diego. Entitled as the paper
was—“Toward the Weeping Willow: An Examination of the Dying and Death of
Companion Animals”-- it sounds to me like a Ph.D. thesis in the University’s
putative Animal Studies Department, although I cannot quite understand the bit
about the Weeping Willow: does it mourn the decrease of dogs to bestow their
fertilizing urine on its trunk?
So too it was comforting to gather that religion, so useful
for the spiritual peace of humans, extends its beneficence to pets. We read in
the Times that a cat named Corky lies beneath a gravestone with a Star of
David, while “a dog named Sushi
has two Stars of David symmetrically placed at the top of his gravestone, on
which there is also Hebrew lettering that reads Shalom.” On the headstone of a
cat named Sheebah one reads that she “went to Heaven on Yom Kippur Day.” I am
not sure whether these Jewish epitaphs are cited as a mark of philo- or
anti-Semitism, but I certainly hope that other religions will duly follow suit.
It strikes me as unfair for a dog no to get his 72 virgin
bitches in Paradise, or that the chaster tomcats are not granted 72 virgin
pussies. Most laudable is Nancy
Tillman’s book, “The Heaven of Animals,” in which she assured grieving pet
owners that “when dogs go to heaven, they’re welcomed by name (surely Rover and
Bowser are as good as Gabriel and Raphael), and angels know every dog’s
favorite games.” I can just hear an encouraging “How about some fetch, Fido?”
in a melodious, angelic voice, which should make any dog feel right at home.
Wings, by the way, if issued to dogs, should make fetching ever so much easier.
Ms. Tillman, a nondenominational Christian in Portland,
Oregon, comments about her dog’s and cat’s rapt, faraway gazes, “What a lovely
thought if they see heaven,” rather than, I suppose, the next helping of
Purina. Even more encouraging is Cynthia Rylant, author of the egalitarian “Dog
Heaven” and “Cat Heaven” lest she be accused of partiality. In the former, she
avers that “God has a sense of humor, so He makes His biscuits in funny shapes
for his dogs. There are kitty-cat biscuits and squirrel biscuits.” Gratifyingly,
they must feel that they are symbolically consuming their traditional victims,
cats and squirrels.
The best news that the quizzically named grad student, Ms.
Defibaugh, conveys to us in her paper, that “many funeral homes have extended
their services to companion animals for memorials and religious services” and
that “Some human cemeteries are now allowing companion animal burial.” I like her term “companion animal” for
pets; it somehow makes it sound as if those canines and felines had freely adopted
their bipeds as partners. And perhaps in a way they have. But what about those
Weeping Willows?